Sometimes, I leave a post on ‘draft’ simply because I can’t find the right feature image.
Hi. My name is Coco, and I’m a little bit of a perfectionist. Saying it.. writing it out like this feels weird, because I’ve denied it for the longest time. People would say to me, “Gosh, stop being such a perfectionist” and I would laugh it off because we all know there’s no such thing as perfection. Right? Lol. Who knew I was actually struggling with a mild case of perfectionism?
It’s funny how something you don’t even really believe in will try to kill you. Not literally, in my case (thank God), but bad enough internally that I started to feel detached from everyone and everything around me, and then eventually my own self.
I got to a point where nothing was happening. I wasn’t creating. All I was doing was making plans and making excuses for not following through on them until I stopped making any plans at all. I wasn’t happy.
I’ve always had all these ideas in my head – it’s one of my favorite things about me – and I can always see them exactly how I want them done, down to the last detail. Having planned out everything in my mind, it gets very difficult to cope when one thing doesn’t go according to plan. One part of my brain tries to get me to calm down and find another solution, but the other part is like “Fuck all of this!”.
At first, I thought I was just being a spoiled brat everything until someone shared an interesting article about perfectionism with me. It was somehow reading it and just checking all the boxes and slowly realising I actually have a problem.
I haven’t posted on this blog in so long because I lowkey hate the way it looks and I’ve tried to change it so it resembles what I have in my head and failed repeatedly.
I spend so much time fussing over making one thing “exactly right”, that I completely abandon other things I need to do. Some people who know me a little too well may confess under torture that I spend half my life waiting for the “right moment”. I hardly ever think anything I do is good enough, even when everyone thinks it’s great. I spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to make everything the way I think it should be and then I just abandon it when it doesn’t come together. I could go on and on, really.
Eventually, I had to force myself to admit I had hit a roadblock. The worst kind, really, as I was the one in my own way. So many stories have gone untold in more ways than I care to describe right now, and I feel something pretty close to regret.
I’m getting over it one day at a time. Forcing myself to get over myself.
I don’t think I need to tell you how hard it is forcing yourself to unlearn a habit you didn’t even know you had. It kills me every time I put out something that I am unsure of, but I am learning, and getting comfortable with the fact that, not putting anything out at all will kill me even more. Lol. It’s a daily struggle. Things still don’t go my way more than half the time, but I am no longer stopping my life because of one setback or error. A part of this is a series I’m doing on Medium which has been great so far – for me, mentally.
Have you ever dealt with something that crippled the creative in you? How did you get over it? I’m trying to fix myself by writing and designing everyday and sharing my work no matter what I think about it. How else would you get yourself out of a rut? I’d love to read your thoughts!