Rants & Bants

League Of Used Pants



WARNING: This post is a rant. Most of it will make little or no sense. I have vexxed!!!!

I’m here to talk about a seemingly illustrious club of service providers in this country, henceforth referred to as the League of Used Pants or LUP.

Of course, this club couldn’t be made up of eateries, or salons, or transportation agencies. No, that would have defeated their main goal of frustrating and ass-raping every single Nigerian.

NEPA/PHCN – Founder, CEO, pioneer, everything sef of this club! Ehn?! Since I was a child oh!! I swear, I honestly believed ‘NEPA PLC’ actually meant ‘Never Expect Power Always Please Light Candle’. And I was a smart child! It’s true jhor! I was effing smart! What else was I supposed to think when we would be without light for about two weeks and then finally get about five hours of light as compensation? Everywhere!! I lived in several places growing up. So I know it wasn’t just a one-place thing. Then, they decided to change name. To try and disillusion the public. We refuse to be misled just because Problem Has Changed Name!!

NTA – I would like someone to explain to me why this station exists. As in, me I get that we need to be informed and all oh! But haba!! Every five minutes, Network News. I don’t blame them. It’s because their owned by the government, that’s why they feel like they can do whatever they like. The people I pity the most are the ones that actually pay for their programmes/events to be aired on the station. Me, I’ve told my mother already. In the event that I die, God forbid, please my Call to Glory can be done on any station but NTA. That’s how halfway through, they’ll cut it and start showing Network News or Things Fall Apart.

ZENITH Bank – These people have proven to me that it is indeed possible to do guy for someone on top his/her own money. As in, no jokes. I don’t understand how I will want to withdraw money from MY OWN ACCOUNT, and one loof will tell me I can’t because the passport in my mandate is old. They didn’t expect me to grow?! The people that work there are just devil-spawn fagglings. In EVERY branch I’ve been to, it’s the same lousy, nonchalant, attitude from the employees. And people keep going back. Myself inclusive. I do it because there are no queues. There are no queues because they are making almost every customer wait for one daft reason or the other.

MTN – Where do I even want to start with these people? They have physically, emotionally, and mentally abused the vast population since they got here. I remember how excited everyone was when they came oh! But now, just look where we are. The worst, I believe, is their data bundles. If you like, pay for a whole month or a whole year. They will decide when you can browse and for how long. You want to download something? Pele. Wait until midnight. Your BB signal is on GSM? Ehn, it happens once in a while. Just be patient. You want to tweet? *rolling* Please, have seat. And they keep trying to fool us with promos. But if you pay close attention, you’ll notice your credit vanishes almost without notice. The smart ones know what they mean when they come on TV and sing “Everywhere you go.”. They sha tried by reducing BIS fee (bribery). NB: MTN is next-In-Command after NEPA.

I believe those are the major league players, but they aren’t the only members. There’s Water Board, Glo and GTB. I heard through the grapevine that Skye Bank and Etisalat are trying to get in as well.

Yes, people. These are the people that are destroying our happiness. We must strike and take preventive action from now on! I suggest all of you using MTN throw away your SIM cards with immediate effect and automatic alacrity. I heard airtel has some really good offers.

The time to act is NOW!!!



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