Hello. 🙂 Honestly, I don’t even know how to introduce today’s post. But, it was written by @terdoh sha. You can visit his personal blog here if you so desire. I won’t bore you with details of how I begged him before he finally wrote it. It’s finally here, so please read and enjoy 🙂
Also, if you haven’t already, please go to the nominations page of the Nigerian Blog Awards and nominate your favourite blogs. Remember to fill in the blog URLs and NOT the names. For a list of blogs you should nominate (for those who aren’t sure) you can hit me up here, or on twitter. Much thanks.
And now, without further delay, your feature presentation……*dramatic music*
Ssup y’all. Yes, yes I know, I was supposed to be on the Princess Diaries series…sorry, the Diary of Snow White series, but a project-defense-exam combo is defined as a female dog’s female dog. Sad. I’m really sorry for that. Apology accepted? Yes? No? No? Why na? Abeg na? Anyway, even though I’m in the middle of exams right now, I
feel more than obligated to post something on this awesome blog…I mean, if my name can be etched somewhere as an author on this page, it’s an honor. But my head was crammed with formulas and definitions, and blog ideas were just chilling at the bottom of my brain’s foundation.
I wanted to post something, but I didn’t know whether I wanted to be deep (almost impossible, I’m as shallow as a bathtub, and I’m only 14 years old), or to be funny (also impossible, my funny bone broke while I was trying to break dance to impress one Dammy girl like that) or to be a cynical critic (which wouldn’t have been too hard, Wizkid’s “album” is out and full of gbagauns, and Vic O is still breathing), or to just speak my mind and say an opinion…I was really blank!
But as fate would have it, I was masturba…*ahem* I was taking a shower one morning when I remembered an incident that happened between me and one of my many (five and a half) exes. So I thought; “good fuckity fuck, I should blog about that!” Should I? Should I?? Yes?
First of all, there will be no questions asked after I am done. Second, for the purpose of the post, let’s call her Ada? Yeah…Ada is a good name. Okay, so Ada and I dated for over 5 years. Yup…striker like me stayed married for 5 years. Yes, we had some rough times. Even though her best friend gave me my first (couple) kiss(es), and my best friend saw her uhm…naked a couple quadruple times and used to brag about it to me, we stuck together sha. But they say all good things come to an end…(which is prolly why the relationship took so long to plumet). But the post isn’t about my relationship with Ada. It’s about an incident that happened AFTER we broke up.
I remember something Chris Rock said about men’s lies vs women’s lies. Men lie more often, but women lie about serious shit! A man lie is: “I was at Tony’s house”. A woman lie is “Yes, the baby is yours”. I could only agree less. On the day Ada broke up with me (for reason’s best known to God, her and wikileaks), she kissed me, and when I escorted her out, she turned back at the gate and said “Do you have a twin that’s less of an asshole?” and then left without allowing me to say one of my witty comebacks. After that, when she got home, she sent me an IM that said
“we can still be friends though”. That bit pissed me off…that’s like having a peeing zone in a swimming pool…or a smoking zone in an elevator. It can’t work! But she stuck like flies on packaged shit. And I was used to having her around even though she broke my heart like a world record.
About a year after we broke up, I’m in school when she sends a message to me and the convo was something like this;
Ada: Baby, you’ve abandoned me like a sinking ship. It’s not fair oh! I thought you loved me.
Me: I did…I think.
Ada: You still do jor! I have something to tell you.
Me: What is it?
Ada: I don’t feel too good. My tummy hurts and…
Ada: Terdoh, I think I’m pregnant.
Me: Congratulations! When are you due?
Ada: Terdoh! I’m not joking! And you know the baby is yours!
*In the back of my head, Chris Rock goes “I told ya niokar! I told ya!”* I thought back to the last time we had sex…uhm! Wait! We never had sex!
Me: Ehm…but we broke up OVER a year ago. Besides, you always stopped me whenever I wanted to kpansh. Kpoxing never was “your thing”. Are you having PMS again? Which time all dis one start?
Ada: I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. And I’m not about to have a baby! I’m only in 300 level. I’m not about to ruin my future for you. I’m getting rid of it. The doctor said it would cost 80 grand.
Me: You’re broke again aren’t you? Or you want to buy iPad 2?
Ada: Your wise cracks aren’t getting you off the hook. Are you helping me get rid of it?
Me: Uhm, lemme think about it for one minute.
One minute later, I sent;
“No. I am not helping you get (rid of) it. Whatever it is…next time you’re broke, call a janitor or a repair man. Oh, and I love you.
*sinister smile*” (That emoticon cannot be displayed here, wordpress wouldn’t understand)
That was the last I heard of Ada.
So while I was *cough* showering, I started thinking; what if she had
allowed me peep into the “bird’s eye” when we were dating? What if she gave me that Becky? Would I have paid that 80 grand for those punani penetration tutorials?
The answer is no.
Thou shall not carry last! (13th commandment after Thou shall not listen to Jim Iyke-12th and Thou shall not watch Beyonce’s “Girls” video-11th)
I’m just grateful that things worked out the way they did. Who wants to be a father at 14?
Author’s note: Moral of the story; Shower more. It prevents babies, and gives you blog ideas. 😀