Ii hate Tinder. When it was all the rage last year, I made a conscious effort not to download it for a number of reasons. One was that my phone was being ridiculous and I couldn’t tell how adding an extra app would make it behave. Another reason was all the things I was seeing about Tinder on twitter.
And then I came back home and started a pretty inactive job that gave me loads of free time. Free time that I had no one to pass with. Feeling like I had run out of options, I said to myself “Why don’t we give this Tinder thing a try?”. Had I known what I know now, I would have downed my sorrows in a bottle of Four Cousins and been done with it.
Sometimes I want to travel back in time and give myself a resounding slap because I have installed and deleted that dreadful app twice since September last year. But I’m not here to whine about my flaws and bad judgement -I’ve heard so many tinder-date-gone-wrong stories I figured I might as well share mine.
I Hate Tinder Because…
#1 – The Guy From The Cult
Ol’ boy didn’t wait 30 minutes after we matched to ask to meet up. I thought this was awesome, because I hate guys who move slower than molasses. Only problem was he wanted to meet at his crib. I was like “nah, my nigga”. So we met up at Ceddi Plaza. Guy came with his friend and they were both dressed in back and blue. Of course I know I was being paranoid, but it didn’t stop the alarms silently ringing at the back of my head. Nor did I hesitate to ask straight up why they were wearing ‘and co’. They claimed they didn’t even notice. Riiiiggghhhht. Anyhu, I ended up vibing more with the friend than I did with my supposed date. Entire meeting was over well within an hour and I went home to wish I could have the last hour of my life back.
#2 – The Body Calculator
I was making out with this guy after a fairly decent conversation about love and life and such. And then, even though I had made it very clear over the phone that sex was not on the table, he went right ahead and said he wanted to have sex. I said nah and he dry humped me. That in itself was weird enough, but he still somehow had it in him to ask me my body count. He was pretty persistent about it, so I told him – my real actual body count. After we talked about STDs for like 15 minutes, he suddenly wasn’t in the mood to make out anymore. Still waiting for him to call me back.
#3 – If It’s Too Good to Be True, He’s Probably Married
I can write a blog post centered around this entire heading. Like, what is it with married men and trifling nowadays? It’s always been in existence, but it’s more rampant now. At least in ye olden days, dear men would tell you they are married and just need younger hands to rub their bellies. Today, awon baby boys are just keeping this vital piece of information to themselves and dropping it casually in random conversations. I’m glad my entire spirit kept me from hooking up with this one who deemed it fit to mention “I’m trying to be a better husband” in a random conversation we were having after I hadn’t seen him in a while.
These stories are actually abridged versions, but you get the gist.
These three experiences alone are enough to fuel my Tinder hate when I remember them. Toss in the incredibly dull men on the app and some stupid ass conversations and I’m done. No matter how desperate I get, Tinder will never be installed on my phone again If I cannot meet my future husband on the street or at a nice restaurant, then it’s fine. Let’s leave it.
As much as this is a rant about my unfortunate experiences with Tinder, I am not too fickle to admit that I have actually met like three decent people off there. Our stories aren’t great (yet) but they’re in the making 🙂
Do you hate tinder as well and/or have any less-than-pleasing Tinder experiences? Share them in the comments below. You’ll feel lighter – maybe.